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Why Boys Need Dating Coaches and How to Be One
The following essay first appeared as an article in Alvaro de Vicente’s Substack publication, Men in the Making. For more articles like this one, you can visit his page here. Subscribe to the publication to stay up-to-date on Alvaro’s writing.
One of my predecessors at The Heights used to say that the goal of the school is to graduate the kind of man you would want your daughter to marry. Whether or not a young man ends up being called to marriage, the ideal of a devoted husband and father is a helpful vision to have in mind, as it gives form to a boy’s aspirations and channels his strengths toward relationship. The man who is prepared for marriage is a mature man ready for life.
Before becoming the kind of man you’d want your daughter to marry, a boy must become the kind of man you’d want your daughter to date. Dating in a healthy way, however, is far from easy. If you want your son to have successful relationships for the rest of his life; if you want him to find his wife, the mother of your grandchildren; if you want him to date in such a way that, even if her and the young lady he is dating do not end up married, he could attend her wedding and look her and the groom in the eyes and sincerely congratulate them—then he will need coaching, because this kind of dating does not happen automatically.
The good news is that because boys desperately want guidance in this area they will be open to coaching when such coaching is presented in the right way and comes from the right person. Just consider the massive number of YouTube and social media influencers offering boys advice on dating, masculinity, and relationships. The question, then, is not whether your son has a dating coach, but who his dating coach is.
Ideally, that coach is his father. Fathers should see themselves not as authoritarian enforcers of rules but rather as guides, wise not because they are better but because they have traversed the path before. Indeed, boys need good men to show them how to love and respect a woman.
A father who has been having regular conversations with his son about sexual matters—the “talk” really ought to be more than a single talk—will have an easier time becoming his son’s dating coach. Discussing dating will be a natural conversation for them to have; the boy may even take the initiative and ask his father for advice. Those fathers who have not had such ongoing conversations will have to be more intentional about how they introduce the idea of a dating coach (of course, one need not use the precise phrase, if it is unfitting to do so). In this case, I think it is best if a father takes his son out for a weekend trip—or at least for a long meal together—and weaves naturally into their time a man-to-man conversation about what his expectations are now that his son is becoming a young man, including expectations for how his son will treat young women.
Regardless of the starting point, I suggest parents consider three areas regarding dating:
- Clarity of Terms
- Prerequisites for Healthy Dating
- Requisites for Healthy Dating
1. Clarity of Terms: What Is Dating and What Is It For?
It is hard to date well if you do not have a clear idea of what dating is. Today, people’s idea of dating is often confused, the term “dating” being used to describe not a single reality but a range of relationships. The underlying assumption that tends to prevail is that dating is an affectionate relationship with someone who makes me feel good. Dating, in the minds of many people, has become essentially a consumer experience like going to the movies: good if fun and exciting, but in the end temporary and centered on personal enjoyment. Not surprisingly, these relationships tend to be short-lived and full of drama, mostly a waste of time for the two involved, though often harmful to both parties in some way.
A healthier view of dating is to see it as an exclusive relationship between a young man and a young woman for the purpose of getting to know each other very well so as to discern marriage and grow in the virtues that they will need as spouses. This approach to dating is purposeful. It sees dating not as a goal in itself, but as a step towards one’s goals, an apprenticeship in love aimed at self-mastery for self-gift.
2. Prerequisites: What a Boy Needs Before He Starts Dating
Three qualities must be present before a young man is ready for such an apprenticeship in love:
- Good Intentions: The desire to date should flow from a sincere desire to know and appreciate the other person, not simply to feel good or boost one’s social status.
- A Habit of Thinking of Others: The young man should show signs of becoming other-centered. If his world still revolves entirely around himself, he is not ready to enter into a relationship that requires self-gift.
- Self-Mastery: You cannot give what you do not possess. The boy does not need to be a finished product, but he should be able to regulate his emotions, desires, and habits enough to offer his best self to another. Just as an athlete should not begin lifting heavy weights unless he reaches a certain level of fitness, a boy should show signs of progressing in this arena before he starts to date a girl.
Without these qualities, even the best “rules” will fall flat. But when these prerequisites are in place, they provide a footing for purposeful dating.
3. Requisites: Guidelines for Healthy Dating
Once a boy is ready to date, he will need guidance on how to date well. In this area, specifics matter. Young men thrive in clarity and flounder in ambiguity. Let me suggest three ideas:
- Clarity about Communication: How often will we talk or text? How often will we see each other? What kind of communication is best reserved for face-to-face conversation? How do you bring up certain deeper topics in conversation? When?
- Rules for Physical Expressions of Affection: It is essential to help your son think through and commit to behaviors that protect the young woman he is dating—her heart, her dignity, her good name. He needs to be intentional about where and when he and the young woman spend time alone, and what kinds of physical displays of affection are best, always acting in a way that would make both families proud.
Such rules are not about repressing affection; they are about expanding the imagination. Too many boys have only one script for expressing closeness, and it tends to be sexual in nature. But true affection can be shown in countless other ways—through acts of service, conversation, thoughtful gifts, shared adventures, and so on. Intentionally limiting physical forms of affection can become a catalyst for expanding a boy’s creativity in expressing his love.
Moreover, slowing down the physical, which naturally tends to speed ahead, will allow other dimensions of his relationship to continue to grow. As the goal of dating is to get to know each other well, it is important that physical and emotional intimacy remain an aid—not a barrier—to growing in deeper knowledge of the other.
In explaining this idea to mentees, I have found the following image to be helpful. Dating is like being in a chariot pulled by four horses harnessed in parallel. The four horses are the four ways in which one can get to know the other:
- Physically: What does the young woman look like, smell like, etc.? Does she like certain sports? Does she like to work-out? And so on—this one is the most straightforward.
- Emotionally: How does she respond emotionally to certain events in life? What is her love language? What puts a smile on her face? What causes her anxiety? What helps her when she is sad, nervous, worried? What are the best ways to listen to her? And so on.
- Intellectually: What does the young woman think about all the important questions of life—art, politics, family life, professional work, finances, and (most importantly) faith? For example, what are her views on masculinity and femininity, and how do those views affect her perspective on reality and on the choices that she will make in life for herself, her husband, and her children?
- Spiritually: This is the kind of knowledge that needs no physical communication. It is knowing how the other person is doing, what they are feeling and thinking because there is an intangible union of minds and hearts. This type of knowledge takes a life-time and cannot be expected to be attained before marriage, but it can appear incipiently during the dating relationship. The important thing to consider is whether the relationship is friendly towards it.
The first horse naturally runs fast and does not require much intentionality. The second horse takes some more time to get going—especially for young men who tend to need more practice in empathy. The final two horses tend to run slowly, requiring more thought and effort to keep apace. In order for the chariot to continue moving forward and not simply spin in circles, however, all four horses must run together. A young man needs to rein in the physical, be thoughtful about the emotional, and spur on the intellectual and spiritual.
Whatever the specifics are, it is crucial that a boy communicates any guardrails with the young woman he is dating. It can even be good to form the rules together with her. One of the best things a young man can do to show how much he truly loves a girl is to sit down with her and say: “I care about you too much to ever risk disrespecting you. So here’s how I think we can make sure our relationship remains healthy so that we continue to grow in it.” That conversation may feel awkward at first, but in the end, the young woman will likely be blown away by how thoughtful such a display of love is.
- Accountability: When something matters, we don’t try to handle it alone. A boy should have someone—a parent, a mentor, a friend—to check in with regularly. This should be someone who can help him process, correct course, and grow. Ideally, both the boy and the girl would have someone like this.
A Final Thought: When Should a Boy Start Dating?
It depends. Dating in high school is difficult, though not impossible. It requires maturity, intentionality, and structure—not only on the part of the boy but also of the girl. In most cases, it is wiser for boys to focus on developing strong friendships during high school and reserve dating for later years, when they have a better sense of who they are and what they’re looking for. Furthermore, high school boys will often benefit more from getting to know many people well in a group context than from diving into exclusive relationships too early. Authentic friendship is the best training ground for love. The better your son becomes at being a good friend, the better he will be at forming lasting romantic relationships down the line.
About the Author
Alvaro de Vicente
In addition to his responsibilities as headmaster of The Heights, Alvaro acts as a mentor to high schoolers, and teaches senior Apologetics.