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Why Boys Need Fewer Rules and More Rites of Passage
The following essay first appeared as an article in Alvaro de Vicente’s Substack publication, Men in the Making. For more articles like this one, you can visit his page here. Subscribe to the publication to stay up-to-date on Alvaro’s writing.
Every parent and teacher knows that boys need structure—scaffolding, if you will. What is less obvious is that they do not need too much of it. When a boy’s world is filled with too many rules, this can stifle his growth, just as if a tree is over protected it will not grow as strong as it would otherwise.
The Purpose of Rules
A rule is an explicit guideline that prescribes acceptable conduct within a community. They can be either positive or negative. A positive rule tells a boy what to do: “You should bounce the basketball outside.” A negative rule tells him what not to do: “You may not bounce the basketball in the kitchen.”
Both have their place. Rules teach young people what good behavior looks like and train habits by facilitating particular actions. For example, a good rule might be, “You must wait to eat your food until after we have prayed grace.”
But the purpose of rules is not to replace individual prudence or to control behavior in order to standardize actions. The end of education is not the rule but the man who no longer needs it.
A mature boy—and a mature culture—should outgrow the need for many external rules. As principles are internalized and habits formed, behavior becomes self-regulating. In a healthy home or school, good conduct is not primarily enforced but modeled. Older members of the community live in such a way that the right thing is naturally understood.
While at first a child may need the rule about waiting to eat until after grace has been said, an older one ideally will not need it because the action and the respect that the action embodies have become second nature.
As boys grow older, then, they should have fewer rules. This is not permissiveness; it is confidence in their capacity for self-government. A wise parent or teacher wants a boy to learn how to deliberate, choose, and act for himself.
Principles for Establishing Rules
If rules are to serve formation, a few principles help.
First, keep explicit rules to a minimum. Long lists of rules have the same effect as long lists of legal terms—no one reads or remembers them. But, unlike the terms and conditions that many mindlessly sign, unread rules do not bind a boy’s behavior. Fewer rules mean that each one carries greater weight and can feasibly be followed.
Second, have a bias toward positive rules over negative rules. Positive rules affirm what is to be done, offering a boy a clear and attainable good. Negative rules, by contrast, tend to deflate and provoke rebellion. “Men tackle like this…” has a very different spirit than “don’t tackle.”
Third, explain why a rule exists. Emphasize the reasoning that informs a rule over the specific policy that authorizes it. The reasoning educates; the policy merely controls. When boys understand that a rule arises for a good reason, they can begin to embrace freely the action that the rule promotes. Moreover, focusing on the reasoning behind rules forms prudence—the virtue of sound judgment—whereas focusing only on policy forms either mere rule-followers or rebels.
Finally, recognize that larger communities or new communities need more rules than smaller or older ones. The greater the diversity of expectations and backgrounds, the more external structure is required. Families and small schools, blessed with shared culture and close relationships, can afford to lean more heavily on trust, example, and the overall tone that already exists.
From Rules to Rites
If the end goal of rules is the freedom of virtue, then something must replace the scaffolding of rules as a boy matures. This is where rites of passage can play a vital role.
A rite of passage is an event or experience that marks a major milestone in life. Properly understood, it communicates three things:
- The boy is entering a new stage of life—he is more of a man.
- Because he is more of a man, he now has new responsibilities.
- Because he has new responsibilities, he is afforded new privileges.
A rite of passage can take many forms: a weekend camping trip, a challenging hike, a special dinner with a father or mentor. For boys, some physical challenge is especially effective; it tangibly proves to the boy that he is in fact stronger and more mature than he was before. Yet the essential ingredient is not the activity itself, but the direct communication that accompanies it: “You are entering a new stage of life and leaving behind a previous stage. Because you are becoming more of a man, we expect you to act with greater maturity. With this greater trust also comes more freedom and responsibility.”
Rites of passage are powerful because boys desperately want to be—and be seen as—men. What they often lack is a clear idea of what this actually means—or when the transition occurs. In the absence of true rites of passage, they invent their own: parties, drinking, reckless stunts. These are counterfeit initiations into manhood. Real ones, guided by adults who love and respect them, satisfy the same instinct in a healthy and elevating way.
Putting It into Practice
Families and schools need not multiply such rites. A few, done well, suffice. Two moments stand out as good opportunities: the transition into high school and the transition out of it. These moments already carry importance societally, so they provide a natural opportunity to become a rite of passage moment. A father might plan a special trip with his son, or take him out for a nice dinner to mark the new stage. Some families link these rites to existing religious or civic milestones, like Confirmation or earning a driver’s license. Others create their own.
To give an example of what such a rite of passage might look like, consider one father I know who took his rising ninth-grade son on an overnight trip. He let his son choose the destination—anywhere within driving distance—and decide how they would spend the day. Whether it was paintball, bowling, hiking, go-karting, or exploring a nearby city, the father committed himself to simply enjoying whatever his son chose. In return, he asked for one thing: some one-on-one time after dinner for a man-to-man conversation. That evening, the father shared his hopes and expectations for his son’s coming years—academic diligence, the pursuit of virtue (especially honesty, integrity, and charity), and a deep respect for his mother. In this simple yet meaningful way, the overnight trip became a true rite of passage: the father’s way of saying, through both his words and actions, that he now saw his son not as a boy but as a young man.
A school might build into its culture a meaningful challenge or ceremony to signal that greater freedom now comes with greater expectations. At my school, the boys go on a three-day camping trip to end their junior year. On this trip, they are challenged to complete a sort of mini triathlon. Running and biking culminate in an open water swim to St. Clement’s Island, the location of the first Mass in the English speaking colonies. This is a difficult trial, and they earn every inch of progress. Some years, the water is rough and cold. Other years, it rains heavenly on the run. The subsequent celebration of Mass marks their transition to being seniors. On this trip, I always offer a short talk to them about our expectations for their senior year.
Because He Wants To
When parents and educators embrace this balance—fewer rules, more rites—they form young men capable of governing themselves. And that, finally, is the goal: not boys who behave in a certain way because they must, but men who do good because they want to, because they see why it is good.
About the Author
Alvaro de Vicente
In addition to his responsibilities as headmaster of The Heights, Alvaro acts as a mentor to high schoolers, and teaches senior Apologetics.