Forming Men of Faith

Parents want their sons to be happy. For Catholic parents, an indispensable part of helping their boys live happy lives is forming them into men of faith. Despite parents’ noble aspirations for their sons, however, the vast majority of children raised in a Catholic family unfortunately do not remain Catholic after leaving the home. According to a 2023 study commissioned by the Peyton Institute for Domestic Church Life and conducted by CARA, a Georgetown University affiliated research center, in 2018 only 14% of those who were raised Catholic in the United States remained Catholic as adults and attended Mass weekly. And many children leave the faith long before they leave the house: by age 13, the study indicates, 50% of children in Catholic families lose their faith. 

Transmitting the faith to one’s children, it would seem, takes more than good intentions. Despite the bleak statistics above, having worked with thousands of families over the years, I know that it is possible to transmit the faith to your children. 

In this article, I want to (1) clarify the meaning of faith, (2) suggest five different aspects of faith, and (3) offer some practical ideas for transmitting the faith according to these five aspects. Much of what I will share in the third part of this article is drawn from my work with thousands of families over the years. In my capacity as headmaster, I am the grateful recipient of many great ideas for raising boys. I want to share some of these here, not as a ready-made formula for transmitting the faith—I don’t think such a formula exists—but as a way of helping you and your spouse discern how to form your sons in your particular circumstance.

Clarifying the Meaning of Faith

Before considering how to transmit the faith, we need to have a clear understanding of what faith is, for how we transmit something depends, in large part, on what we are transmitting.

Generally speaking, we can understand faith on two levels: as a natural virtue and as a supernatural virtue. 

Faith as a natural virtue consists in believing something to be true based on the authority of the source. Much of what we know is rooted in this sort of faith. For example, though I have never been to Australia, I know that Australia exists because I have a natural faith in trustworthy sources that tell me so. This sort of faith is natural insofar as its objects (the things that are believed) are things that can, in principle, be discovered directly by humans without any additional aid from God, and because the source of information is human. In other words, the object and source are not super-natural—above my human nature. 

Faith as a supernatural virtue consists in an adherence to God and all that He has revealed. It is believing that something is true because the Truth Himself has spoken it. Unlike natural faith, the proper objects of supernatural faith—the articles of faith, as some call them—are truths beyond what reason, unaided by supernatural revelation, can discover. Of course, there are certain truths that are both revealed and knowable by human reason alone—God’s existence, for example—but these truths are, strictly speaking, preambles of faith, and not articles of supernatural faith per se.

I want to emphasize two features common to both natural and supernatural faith: 

1. The aim of faith is truth. 
2. The truths of faith are transmitted through relationships.  

By faith we can know more of the truth because we are in a trusting relationship with another. In the case of natural faith, we can know more about this world because of other creatures. In the case of supernatural faith, we can know more about this world and the next because of the Creator Himself.

When we speak of “transmitting the faith” to our children, we typically mean transmitting supernatural faith to our children. But, importantly, the transmission of the truths of supernatural faith ordinarily occurs in the context of natural, human relationships—between parents and children, between friends, between teachers and students, and so on. Indeed, Jesus chose to institute a Church made up of human beings as the means by which supernatural truths would be handed down through the centuries.

Five Aspects of Transmitting the Faith 

Besides distinguishing between natural and supernatural faith, we can also divide the faith into five interrelated, yet distinct, aspects: 

1. Doctrine: Theological statements about God that we believe to be true; the truths of faith found in the Creed.
2. Practical Doctrine: The impact of the truths of faith on how we relate to God—things such as the sacraments, the liturgy, various liturgical requirements, etc.
3. Morals:The impact of truths of faith on how we relate to each other, to ourselves, and to the rest of reality—how we treat our neighbor, nature, work, recreation, and so on.
4. Worldview: How our beliefs inform the way we see reality. What kind of story are we in? A tragedy? A comedy? A romance? 
5. Intimacy with Christ: Our capacity to have a close relationship with Christ.

Each of these aspects of the faith will be transferred differently; each has specific challenges. Fully transmitting the Faith means transmitting all five. Let’s go through each one-by-one. 

Transmitting the Faith According to the Five Aspects

Doctrine

Teaching doctrine is teaching a science. It is teaching an organized body of knowledge that is reasonable—Aquinas would even say that it is argumentativa, that is, about matters that people can rationally debate—and helps us to make sense of reality. Here are five suggestions for teaching doctrine: 

1. Begin in wonder. The truths of faith are infinitely interesting; they ultimately answer the deepest questions of the human heart. Who am I? Where did all of this come from? Where am I going? Often, however, we teach doctrine in a way that makes what should be interesting rather boring. The doctrines of the faith should be presented in the context of a child’s natural wonder about reality. They are keys to the locks we have in our hearts and minds. Don’t give the keys without pointing out the locks; otherwise, the child may see the key as a useless piece of metal and throw it out. 
2. End in wonder. The keys of faith open the doors to an infinitely interesting world. They don’t shut you into a room; they release you into a larger world to explore. In teaching doctrine, we should transmit a sense that there is no ceiling to how much and how well we can know the faith. 
3. Teach doctrine as a science—not as a matter of opinion or sentiment. Properly understood, theology is a science; the medieval schoolmasters even referred to it as the queen of the sciences, for the subject deals with the ultimate questions that govern all the other sciences by providing the metaphysical foundation for them. As a science, theology is an organized body of knowledge that makes claims which are reasonable. We should do justice to the nature of the subject by not treating theology as a lesser mode of knowing. Transmitting this faith in this way combats the culturally prominent idea that religion is mostly a matter of sentiment. 
4. Put flesh on theology by using many examples and images. You need to spend time thinking about how to make doctrine relevant and comprehensible to your boys. Art, analogies, and stories are indispensable means to this end. As St. John Henry Newman, who was the headmaster of an all boy’s school in England, wrote in a letter to the co-founder of the Oratory School: “boys take in religion principally through the eyes.” Ideas alone are not enough; they need to be incarnated. 
5. Embrace the tough questions of doctrine. Whether it is the problem of evil, or the hiddenness of God, or the question of salvation outside the Church—or any other difficult question—you should look forward to discussing such matters with your son, for they are opportunities to show your son why it is more reasonable to believe than not to believe. There will certainly be times when a boy raises a question you can not answer. In these circumstances, embracing the question means candidly telling him that you need to study and think more about the topic. Indeed, admitting your ignorance and expressing your desire to continue studying offers him a powerful example which communicates an important message, namely, we are never done being formed. Moreover, it reinforces a primary aim in teaching doctrine: that there is objective truth, that the faith falls under the category of objective truth, and whatever questions I have about the faith can, in principle, be answered, even if I do not currently know how. 

Practical Doctrine

Knowing the truth is not enough. One must also live it. Transmitting practical doctrine to your children is passing on a way of life. Practically speaking, this means living a sacramental and liturgical life. There are two dimensions to transmitting this way of life: 

1. Knowledge of the precepts and liturgical practices of the faith.
2. A proper understanding of the role of “rules” in one’s life. 

In the first place, children need to be taught the basic precepts and liturgical practices of the faith. But, even more importantly, parents need to help their children see the precepts and liturgical practices of the faith for what they are: ways of receiving God’s love and loving Him in return. As children may easily develop the idea that the precepts and liturgical practices of Church just a senseless list of rules and routines, it is important to help them understand that the formulas and repetitions ought to be the formulas and repetitions of those in love, who never tire of saying, even over and over again, such simple words as, “I love you.” 

Still more important, however, is your modeling of the faith. Boys may not always do what you say; but they often will do what they see. Whether clothing, or patterns of speech, or life habits, boys naturally imitate those around them. The most important thing you can do to transmit the faith to your sons, then, is to live the faith yourself. There is no a parenting hack around this; there is no faking this; you cannot do this sometimes; it must be real and constant. Of course, you do not need to be perfect—none of us are—but your son does need to see that you are trying to grow in sanctity daily. If he is open to receiving your words later, it will likely be because he first saw how you live your life now. 

Some other practical suggestions include: 

1. Make sure Sunday Mass is respected. Go out your way to go to Mass, especially in those times when it is inconvenient or difficult to do so (for example, when you are travelling for vacation). 
2. Get to Mass a little early. This communicates the importance of Mass and creates the time and space for your son to pray. As you enter the church, you may even naturally suggest some intentions that he could pray for or bring a book that he can read, to help him begin praying. 
3. Make daily Mass available by inviting your sons to go with you as much as possible. If they go, wonderful. If they choose not to go, bring them with you in your Mass intentions.  
4. Make frequent confession available. You can’t force your son to go to confession, but you can make it easy for him by making it available and attractive. I know some families who have made Saturday confession, followed by a trip to get ice cream, a weekly routine. Even if your son chooses not to go to confession, the time at the church will be another ready-made opportunity to pray.

Morals 

The truths of the faith inform all of our ethical decisions—the way in which we relate to one another and to things. For many people the difficulty in accepting the faith amounts, in large part, to a difficulty in living certain moral teachings that the faith necessitates. As Chesterton put it, “The Christian ideal has not been tried and found wanting. It has been found difficult; and left untried.” As such, besides communicating the faith’s precepts and liturgical practices to your children, it is important to help them develop virtues, stable dispositions of character.

It seems to me that the three most prominent moral challenges that parents face today are: 

1. Materialism: manifested in attachment to things and plans
2. Hedonism: making pleasure—especially pleasure associated with sex, alcohol, or drugs—the ultimate aim.
3. Pride: manifested as selfishness and entitlement

On this topic, there is far too much to discuss in one brief essay. To be succinct: in transmitting morals to your children, pay special attention to developing the virtues that counteract each of these three common challenges. For example: 

1. Counter materialism by developing generosity through service projects, visits to the poor and elderly, chores at home, spending time with others, and so on. 
2. Counter hedonism by growing in fortitude and discipline by persevering in morning and evening routines, making little sacrifices in food and drink, sticking with learning a new skill such as an instrument or a sport, and so on. 
3. Counter pride by fostering sincerity through listening attentively and lovingly to your son, communicating to him a sense that he can come to you even with difficult or embarrassing matters. And express your gratitude and approbation when he does. 

Above all, do not discount the power of your own example in forming the morals of your son. He may not always do what you tell him, but he will likely follow what he sees you do. 

Worldview 

Faith informs how we see the world. Though people may think of faithful people as driven primarily by a fear of hell, and as religion as institutionalized imposition of rules, nothing could be further from the truth of the kind of worldview the faith animates. The foundation of a Christian’s worldview is the sense that he is a son of God. For a Christian, the world is his loving Father’s garden, of which He is a steward. For a Christian, life is a love story, a divine adventure back home.

To transmit such a worldview, let your faith be more like the wind than a banner. Though you cannot directly see the wind, you do see and feel its effects. Working with a smile on your face—even when things don’t go your way—and responding serenely to life’s challenge—because you know you are a son of God—will do far more to communicate to your son that God is a loving and provident Father than will a poster on which are written inspirational words to the same effect.

Intimacy with Christ 

At its core, faith is a relationship. Though faith involves holding certain propositions to be true and certain actions to be morally good or bad, these propositions and rules must be understood in light of the more fundamental reality of God’s love for man. Unless they are seen as manifestations of God’s love, the propositions of the faith lose their deeper significance. For revelation is not impersonal enlightenment, but personal self-revelation. To have faith is to be in a relationship of radical trust with the God who has revealed Himself as Love.

I often use the following analogy in explaining this idea to my senior apologetics students: 

Imagine you have just begun dating a girl. Naturally, you are a little nervous of messing things up, as she is a great girl—the kind of woman you would hope to marry one day—and, up until now, you have met nothing but failure; somehow, you never seem to know what to do. Unexpectedly, her brother calls you. He tells you that the other day he was talking with his parents, and they all agreed that you would be a perfect match for his sister. Because they are all rooting for you, he decides to offer you some guidance: she loves roses (red ones, not the white ones), he tells you, and her favorite number is seven (don’t ask why, it’s just how it has always been, he says), so on certain days throughout the year you should get her seven red roses. She loves to go on walks too, so every Sunday you should suggest going for a long stroll; and, on weekdays, as much as possible, you should try to go on walks too. He even gives you a list of parks and trails that she loves. After telling you a few more specific things she loves, he wishes you luck and hangs up the phone. 

If you found yourself in such circumstances, I ask my students, what would you do? Surely, if you love the girl, you would follow his advice—even the seemingly arbitrary advice of buying seven roses. And hopefully you will do so not because they are rules that constitute some sort of magic formula for success, but because they are a revelation of how best to love her, how to make her happy.

This is precisely how the rules of the Church work. You love God; God gave us His Church, through which He has revealed to us how best to love Him; and we, therefore, follow what the Church has taught us not out of a rote sense of duty, nor to receive a reward, but because we want to follow the Church’s teachings; and we want to follow her teachings because they show us how best to love God.

Turning to the practical, here are three ideas for helping your son develop an intimate relationship with Christ: 

1. Foster the capacity to be in silence with Christ. You can do this by (1) removing obstacles—distractions, such as constant background noise or phones—and (2) finding moments for natural contemplation—nature walks, thoughtful conversations, and attentive listening. 
2. Help your son develop daily habits of prayer. Keep it simple: morning offering, angelus, some mental prayer, a decade of the Rosary. 
3. When you pray as a family, leave him wanting more. Family prayers, especially for younger children, should be such that they leave your son wanting more. Don’t think of a given single time of prayer as being the one that will get him into heaven, but rather as the one that will give him an experience of prayer that is attractive. Your goal should not be to get him to pray with you right now, but rather to foster in him a desire to pray more. To this end, less is often more. Prayer that he feels is long and tedious will bore him and leave a bad aftertaste in his mouth. Though a family Rosary may be good, perhaps when the boy is young praying a single decade may be better—or perhaps it is best for mom and dad to pray the Rosary and allow the children to join if and when they want to.

What Really Matters is Grace

In closing, I cannot help but think of a letter that Tolkien wrote to one of his fans. In the letter, Tolkien responds to the fan’s misinterpretation of The Lord of the Rings. The fan thought that Frodo was a great hero, that Frodo’s daring and courage and perseverance allowed him to complete the mission and destroy the ring. Tolkien, however, reminds his fan that in fact it was not Frodo’s great heroism, nor his perseverance, nor his courage, nor his daring that destroyed the ring in the end. Frodo actually failed; he succumbed to the ring’s power. It was, rather, the story-teller who had to intervene. It was the fact that Frodo had been merciful with Gollum earlier in the novel, when Sam wanted to do otherwise, that allowed the ring to be destroyed, even when Frodo gave into the ring’s temptation. Yes, Frodo had to persevere to arrive at Mordor, but in the end the destruction of the ring was not really his doing. No matter how far away your son may seem, don’t forget: his story is never beyond the Story-teller. Though the statistics I cited at the start of this essay may make forming your son into a man of faith seem impossible, remember that it is not you who need to form him, but God. The best thing you can do as a parent is pray: “Lord help me to not get in the way of Your grace; may my own weakness not prevent You from working through me.”

About the Author

Alvaro de Vicente

Headmaster, The Heights School

In addition to his responsibilities as headmaster of The Heights, Alvaro acts as a mentor to high schoolers, and teaches senior Apologetics.

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