Sections
Forming Generous Men
The following essay first appeared as an article in Alvaro de Vicente’s Substack publication, Men in the Making. For more articles like this one, you can visit his page here. Subscribe to the publication to stay up-to-date on Alvaro’s writing.
My last three essays have focused on overcoming three foundational obstacles to a boy’s growth in freedom. In this essay, I want to turn our attention to a positive opportunity, and focus on a fundamental virtue for boys to develop as they mature into free men: generosity.
Generosity is fundamental insofar as it is a broad habit that fathers other little virtues. It can be lived out in big and small ways—both in one’s work and in one’s family life. Generosity is also foundational for a boy’s growth because boys are called to become men, and a man, in his very core, is called to become a father—whether in a literal, biological way or in a spiritual way. This universal vocation to fatherhood is a calling to generosity. To be a father is to be one who in a personal way gives life and gives his life.
As we accompany boys on the path to manhood, we need to have a clear idea of the destination. At The Heights, we often express this idea by saying that our goal is to graduate the kind of man you would want your daughter to marry—which means, among other things, that he be the kind of man you would want as the father of your grandchildren.
And while age is a question of time, maturity is a question of responsibility. A boy is mature to the extent that he is and feels responsible not merely for himself but for many others.
How do we help our sons become such men? How do we cultivate in them the heart of a father—a heart that gives freely, confidently, and with joy?
Four Characteristics that Foster Generosity
Generosity rests on four interior capacities. Without these characteristics it will be difficult, if not impossible, for a boy to be consistently generous.
1. Self-Mastery: One can only give what one has.
Self-mastery is what makes self-gift possible. A boy who cannot govern himself cannot offer himself. To this end, practicing self-discipline every day is essential. You can encourage routines that build the will: getting up on time, making his bed each morning, keeping to an exercise routine. You can encourage “always” habits that are possible to practice in all circumstances: living order in one’s space, use of time, belongings, posture, and mind. You can encourage actions that are specific to particular times, such as eating meals with good manners. These actions are not merely chores or external etiquette drills; they are exercises in self-mastery. They form the habits of a man who one day will be able to give himself to his family, work, and God.
2. Empathy: One has to want to give what one has.
Boys in particular need help growing in empathy—a sensitivity to the needs of those around them. To grow in empathy, boys need concrete practice in small acts of love: offering help before being asked, playing with a younger sibling, writing a note to a grandparent.
Parents and teachers can help boys by pointing out needs and proposing specific ways to respond. As boys act on these particular suggestions, they develop a great capacity to see the needs of others around them and learn how to respond appropriately.
3. Prudence: One has to give for the true good of the other.
Seeing the needs of others is an obvious requirement for generosity. Recognizing the true need of another is a more subtle, though important, requirement for true generosity. This takes thoughtfulness and, at times, creativity. This ability is exemplified by the husband who, on his way home from work, thoughtfully asks himself, “What does my wife need most tonight? Some attentive quality time? Help with a particular task around the house? Which task? Perhaps some more quiet time after dinner?” Such a man is not only scanning the radar for problems; he is thoughtfully considering the life of another in a given moment.
This kind of generosity requires prudence—the ability to discern what is truly needed and to act for the genuine good of another, even when there is no return.
Prudence helps boys distinguish between surface wants and real needs. It helps them choose to serve the classmate who is hard to like but in real need of help, to hold back from giving in ways that are easy but not really helpful, and to persevere in helping even when it’s uncomfortable. It helps him realize that generosity is not about giving what you want to give but giving what the other needs to receive.
4. Self-Confidence: One has to see himself as a giver.
Self-confidence allows a boy to see beyond his own needs. This is a challenge, especially to the middle and upper school boy, given all the hormonal changes he goes through in adolescence which tend to make him less self-confident and more self-consumed.
A parent telling the boy that he is good and that he has much to contribute to others helps that boy grow in the self-confidence that promotes self-gift.
Four Practical Ways to Form Generous Hearts
- Get him used to service beyond assigned chores. Ask your son to help in unstructured ways: clearing the garage, playing with a sibling, preparing for a family gathering. Let him see that love means stepping in where help is needed, not just checking off a list.
- Get him used to contributing to charity. Help him set aside part of whatever money he makes for charity (10% can be a good amount). This small act trains detachment and reinforces the belief that he is a steward of gifts that he has received rather than the owner of possessions that he deserves.
- Serve with him. Volunteer together: visit a soup kitchen, rake leaves for a neighbor, prepare meals for a friend in need.
- Ask him to pray for others. Boys want to be useful. A way to help a boy pray more is to tell him that you (or someone else) need his help, and that he can help best by praying.
Like Our Heavenly Father
A mature man is a man who gives not sporadically, not begrudgingly, but with the joy and stability of one who knows his deepest identity as son of the Father. To be a truly generous man is, in the end, to become an image of one’s heavenly Father, who is generous from all eternity. That is the kind of man you’d want your daughter to marry.
About the Author
Alvaro de Vicente
In addition to his responsibilities as headmaster of The Heights, Alvaro acts as a mentor to high schoolers, and teaches senior Apologetics.