Being Smart About Smartphones

The following essay first appeared as an article in Alvaro de Vicente’s Substack publication, Men in the Making. For more articles like this one, you can visit his page here. Subscribe to stay up-to-date on his writing.

With increasing frequency, we see reports on the detrimental effects that smartphones are having on the mental health of children and adolescents. Some schools (including public schools in Connecticut and other states) are experimenting with bans on smartphones for students, and many others are having difficult discussions for the first time about how to control their use and their disruptive effects on the classroom.

Books like The Anxious Generation by social psychologist Jonathan Haidt are confirming with data what many have suspected with common sense: given the accumulating evidence of addiction and adverse effects on mental health, parents and schools should seriously consider putting major restriction on the use of smartphones, if not imposing an outright ban on their use up to the age of 16 (and even beyond).

Haidt and other academic researchers suggest that more sociological studies may be needed to determine more precisely which approaches work best in schools, but the truth is, we really don’t need to wait for further sociological studies or data to draw some conclusions based on experience (both personal and collective) and clear thinking regarding how smartphones can affect boys’ development.

Clarifying Our Terms

As with clear thinking on any topic, the first order of business is to get our terminology straight: clarity in describing what we are talking about provides clarity in determining what to do. When we talk about the decision as to whether to give a boy a smartphone, we are really talking about the wisdom of providing them with a very powerful and portable personal computer. When we talk about restricting the use of “social media” for children and teens, we are really talking about restricting portals to potentially anti-social behavior for those who have not reached full maturity.

One principle to keep in mind with boys in the teen and pre-teen years: navigating the normal struggles of daily life can be a big challenge. And when reality is challenging, immersing oneself in the virtual world as an alternative to facing up to mundane daily struggles and cares can be an attractive escape. Technology (and in particular smartphones) now provide an unprecedentedly easy way of retreating into the world of virtual reality and withdrawing from real human interaction, a particularly dangerous dynamic for still-developing boys.

Perhaps the most dramatic illustration of the danger of smartphones is the easy access smartphones provide to pornography, which distorts a boy’s imagination, deadens his ability to appreciate the beauty of real human persons, and trains his eyes to see people as objects to be used. But porn addiction, while the most obvious and insidious danger, is not the only challenge that smartphones pose to a boy’s normal social development and their acquisition of the skills necessary to develop genuine relationships that entail commitment and self-giving.

One of the driving forces of adolescent psychology is the fear of missing out, of being left out of the loop. As a result, limitations that parents place on common means employed by friends to communicate with each other, such as group texting, can therefore be received by boys as a severe measure that risks crippling their social life. While we should be empathetic with their feelings of being uniquely deprived—at their age, every subjective challenge is seen as objective—giving in to your sons’ desires because of their persistent complaints and lobbying is never a good idea. We should take the long view, recognizing that boys who grow up with restrictions on their use of technology end up grateful that their parents cared enough to protect them from its dangers and pitfalls, while those who grow up in a more laissez-faire environment often end up saddled with crippling addictions and regrets.

What I have observed is that boys who grow up without access to social media are frequently the same ones who develop the deepest friendships in their adolescence and beyond. The reason is not difficult to discern: social media and virtual communication, rather than being conducive to the development of interpersonal and communication skills, is in practice usually an impediment. Virtual “conversations,” particularly when large groups of boys are involved, almost always lead to poor communication, emphasizing the importance of image over content, and shallow posturing over depth of expression. If communicating via smartphone displaces face to face discussion, boys don’t have the opportunity to develop interpersonal communication skills, the ability to pick up on social cues, or the chance to forge deep friendships, which depend on mutual commitment and confidence. Virtual communication feeds the desire to be liked and admired, as opposed to the virtues required to sacrifice for others and be committed to their welfare, which is the soul of genuine friendship.

When is He Ready?

So, when is a boy mature enough to use a smartphone, a piece of technology that—like it or not—has become a basic expected accessory of most professionals in modern society? We might say that this is a subjective determination with an objective floor (there is really no objective benefit to a smartphone for boys before driving age). Perhaps parents ought to think of it in the same way they would assess the need for any other powerful tool. When should I let my son use a chainsaw? Drive a car? Drive a sports car? One measure—aside from legal requirements—in making these judgments is the maturity level of the boy in question, and especially his level of self-discipline. Some key questions to consider are:

1. Does he keep order in his material possessions? In his studies? In his schedule?
2. Does he tend to fulfill his household obligations?
3. How disciplined is he in his speech?
4. How disciplined is he in consuming entertainment generally?
5. Does he have a good handle on taming his idle curiosity on a daily basis?

The answers to these questions can give us an indication as to whether a young man is ready to incorporate this powerful tool into his toolkit. At the same time, proper precautions (such as filters and time limits) are necessary to use it safely, even for adults. Just as there are safety precautions one needs to take before using a chainsaw, we need to have the same level of caution when it comes to the use of a powerful tool like a smartphone.

Waging With, Not Against

A final word: although it is easy to see access to smartphones and other technology as a battle we wage against our boys, the reality is that it is a battle we fight with our boys. Parents accompany their sons in achieving the end of mastering technology, rather than being mastered by it. It is a battle all of us, including parents, have to fight daily, and our job is to pass along the benefit of our maturity and experience of fighting that battle in our own lives. We can be assured that we can win the battle together with our sons if they see our example of moderation, and our constant reliance on God’s grace.